“Life and Love as viewed from the inside of a pack of Camel cigarettes”

Still Life with the Woodpecker - Tom Robbins












Well it is now some weeks since NUMDUC 07 was held on the June long weekend and we have managed to catch our breath, regroup and harden the fuck up. To say it was a roaring success would be an understatement given from where we started. After initially putting his hand up to manage NUMDUC 07, Bert reluctantly had to relinquish the reins due to a family illness and out hearts go out to him, and his, on the recent passing of his mother.


There was also an early hiccup after the BMW club had planned to hold a 30th anniversary for the “Black Duck Rally”. Those who have been around for a while will recall the “Black Duck” was the forerunner to the NUMDUC which we at DOCWA first held in June 1999 and every second year since. This anniversary is now to be held later in the year (apparently).


Beatts and Jack became involved about two months out which presented a few problems in that in the past we begin organizing the event about six months out. Having done the previous two NUMDUC’s and using the early good work of Bulk and Rod et al, we had put a few things in place to simply the process.


So after countless emails, phone calls and a little help from our friends it all came together in a state of excitement. The NUMDUC is our main fund raiser and the support offered by a gallant, and regular band of club members had been, and was again to the fore. Several weekend trips to the rallysite for various preparations had been had, along with much merriment. It is still difficult to get the images out of our minds as we went about burying the water pipe from Grunters bore up to his new home site.


Grunter, in the front end loader with an old style single horse drawn plough chained to the rear and the Gnome of all gnomes (aka Snowy) “steering” the thing as a furrow was made to sink the pipe in. The Gnome looks sensational in chains.


So there we were, Beatts and Jack, at club Beattyville on the Thursday night with fine weather forecast, anticipation running thick through their veins and some trepidation as this was the first NUMDUC to feature a motorcycle in the logo (good work Attorney ). The customary Bourbon and Beer was in hand, final plans were being made and the Dirt Darmah was loaded onto the trailer ready for an early Friday departure to Club Grunterville. Beatts suggested a toast to absent friends who would not be trekking to Dowerin for the event. Amongst others we had the Destwoy at the Isle of Man, Pony Boy somewhere in Italy, Clemo soft cocking up north…Harden the Fuck up! and MV Marie also elsewhere. Now these few in particular have provided plenty of entertainment in NUMDUC’s past, and in relation to Destwoy we considered canceling the Ambos as there would in all likehood be nothing for them to do…little did we know.


The catering was to be run by a virgin outfit in Brooker and Robyn (roll me a smoke) and their lot, a likely bunch of locals who we had met on several occasions previously. This was not going to be an easy task for them when considering set up, lay out, expectations, how much food to stock pile etc, etc. The virgins stepped up to the plate and did a great job all weekend keeping the punters fed and watered. Many thanks to these fine folk for a job well done and in recent chats they have many ideas how to make it bigger and better in 09. It appears whale burgers will be on the menu next time around thanks to Digger’s  and / or Macca’s requests! Harden the Fuck up!


So Friday morning arrived after little sleep … we were so excited and filled with angst for what lay ahead. With final necessities loaded into the Beatty-mobile we set off on a two hour cruise, passenger alcohol consumption permitted by order. Now ya cant keep a good man down and our driver was soon pulling over and diving into the Waeco to retrieve a can of Tooheys and it was on. Yup yup yup!!!


We arrived to find a hobbling Robbie onsite at Chook-Chaser HQ, the roof now on Grunters new “garden shed”, the house pad down and the big fella as excited as us. After threatening to christen his new bedroom before he had the chance we began transferring gear from the shearing shed, erecting shelters, tents and the usual blah blah blah. An executive decision had been made the previous weekend to relocate the gate entry and parking lot and this proved to be a good call all around.


Robbie informed us he was the NUMDUC’s first casualty, twice coming off the chook chaser and had “done a fetlock”. We offered him 20c and told him to ring someone who cared! But we did also offer him some advice: Harden the Fuck up! ice and 1st aid but do you rekon he would sit still long enough for any good to come of it. Nah !! Just another excited rally possum who elected to Harden the Fuck up!


Through out the Friday a steady stream of members rocked up and all pitched in as per usual. Holger was offering some well considered advice. The Friday night of NUMDUC has become a customary great night on the DOCWA calendar and one where sleep is over rated. Guido even opted to stay the night he was so excited (the stains are nearly gone from the donor sleeping bag) and was still clearly suffering from years of abuse about his lack of Rallying experience. Harden the Fuck up!


Late afternoon saw the arrival of the Kalgoorlie boys…Jed, Groggy and Nigel (No Mates)… et al. What a bunch, and a good Rally fit ….. perhaps best renamed the “Acetylene Splinter Group” (ASG) … fuck did they make some noise over the weekend.  The ASG lads were up to the task when requested by order, to assist with the lighting of the Saturday night bonfire. What with Grunters 200 litre Avgas firelighter and their “Firees” know how, she got up and burning quick smart. YEEHAA!


A merry bunch kicked on into the wee hours, Holger tried hard to match the pace but after offering some advice, failed dismally (something about being on night duty: Harden the Fuck up! and then we finally lost a NUMDUC stalwart to his roost up in the high country for a LLD (little lie down). Loz ya soft cock: Harden the Fuck up!  


Whilst this awesomely funny quintet were still a single unit Beatts had left us with a very memorable rendition of a rampant alpha male busily marking out his territory every time Dee gave out her infamous “squeal / trill”. Yep you know the one. Each time he heard said squeal he would spring into action and attempt to deposit some anal gland stuff onto anything worthy…tables, trees, the bbq, log seats etc but fortunately drew the line at big boys legs. Thank Christ for small mercy’s !!! The Sherrif and Jack agreed this performance was an all time highlight of their rallying experiences to date. Beatts should be on the stage.


Beatts, Dee and Jack elected to reassert the NUMDUC tradition that the need for sleep is but a psychological one. The Sherrif, Monsta et al were making continual mating calls to each other which sounded like “who the fuck is Gary”. Not sure if they scored however we await further reports. One thing lead to another and before we knew it Grunters shed had been DOCWA stickered, the sun was shining and yes we again got sun burnt before we went for some shut eye. Well Dee did, something about having to drive back to Perth around lunch time. Harden the Fuck up! Beatts being Mr. Responsible (yeah right) went off and got 45 minutes sleep before work began at the gate. Sleep at Motorcycle Rally’s remains, after all is said and done, well over rated!!!


For those who sought to complain about their own lack of sleep caused by the jovial goings on and merriment  of the “funniest five” and others …we say :- move further away; Harden the Fuck up! stay awake; ear plugs are go; change the DOCWA constitution; or remain in Perth with….. J


So Saturday arrived and along with it another steady stream of DOCWA punters who set to erecting tents, gate house, tables and the usual necessities of the NUMDUC. With Digger resplendent in his blue rinse hairdo, Nenes with Destwoys outer skin in tow, Morgs dressed to kill in his candy red draggins and Holger offering advice we were ready to kick some ass. Jeans and Nenes answered NO!! countless times when questioned “are you MV Marie”. The Cardonay Sluts (aka Jeans; Pinky; Nenes; Jane; Marie; J9; Netti and Tracey H) were on an all day recruitment drive at the gate, checking out the dismounting “packages” and their numbers / members have “swelled” significantly. They were ably assisted at the gate by; amongst others already mentioned in this piece of waffle, the likes of Dazza; Pete; Denny; Guido; Shaun; Neil; Craig; Mr. P; Al; …  


A bunch of DOCWA wannabees, who go by the name of “Shed Club” had pitched camp close by. There were regular rally goers in Whiteman and he “towed” with him a bunch of virgins in Fritz, Greg, Frankie and Simon. Now these wannabees are singularly responsible for the demise one of our mates in Beatts (see later in this waffle) but they did provide a buffer between us legends in Bevel Drive and Desmo Race and those mad bastards camped around the Bikes Unlimited Garage Mahal. A small but saving grace.


The local donut-eaters paid us a visit mid-morning Saturday and reported they hadn’t had too much to do and after the usual niceties they were gone and not seen again. Even the Highway Patrol had better things to do (apparently) and didn’t bother gate crashing the rally site this year.


While the number of morning arrivals meant a fairly a relaxed atmosphere amongst the keepers of the gate, the afternoon rush hour(s) soon dispelled any concerns that a lack of numbers would put pressure on the NUMDUC 07 budget.


Just before sundown Rex and Rod, aka, turned up and commenced setting-up the fireworks display in the potato paddock above the rally site. Watching them set-up a mixture of fused and electronically fired shells suggested we were going to get good value for money, and so it turned out, we got a lot more than we bargained for. It was a top effort by a couple of ex-club members who were part of the organizing committee for the inaugural NUMDUC in 1999.


All the while the hot-air balloons were being deployed from all corners of the campsite and spud guns attempting to range in on a quickly ascending target reminded us how much we love rallying. The side car boys put on their usual performances around the bullring / bonfire much to the amusement of all. The biggest, widest and longest smile of the weekend went to Ed as he went round and round on his Duc 860 outfit. The boy just wants to have fun. Good work ! And lets not forget the firee footy that always draws a crowd of punters hell bent on picking up a few scars to show to wide-eyed youngsters and

tsk, tsk, tsking aunties at the next family gathering. 


Sometime early evening an APB was sent out alerting the Ducatisti/a that a Jap bike was encroaching on hallowed ground ( Bevel Drive ). Who cares if they were mates of Al’s, and the Dirt Darmah was called on to remind the infidels that some behaviour at a NUMDUC will not be tolerated! Ie. parking your non-Ducati too close to said hallowed ground. Special thanks from Beatts to Macca and Slops for their capable assistance so we could all laugh heartily at the Command Performance as it was the first KWAKA front end loader we had ever seen. Rumour has it that the Dirt Darmah has been invited to next years Indi MotoGP for a repeat showing.


Beatts became so excited at his performance he opted for LLD; Harden the Fuck up! Nurses Bert, Netti, Slops and Jack offered degrees of assistance / hindrance until Di and Rob arrived in a flashing chariot having only left an hour previously. Di was heard to remark “yes we know Chris”. Who the fuck is Chris? Anyway the rest is now on public record. They were kind enough to come back to the site around 2 am to report to Nurses Bert and Jack that all was kind of well, no thanks to Slops earlier suggestions to insert strawberry jam stuff into Beatts anal gland. Jack elected for a LLD; Harden the Fuck up! after a 42 hour stint on deck comfortable in the knowledge all was good, and all evil had been seen off to far away places.


Now he is a very naughty boy is our Chris. Jack and Jeans opted for some time out Sunday morning and went to collect him from Chateau Northam. There was a dead nurse in the entrance foyer. Apparently she was the one who volunteered to remove his socks and boots. No one at Chateau Goomalling was game. Harden the Fuck up! He did look lovely in his new light blue PJ’s top though a little sheepish after his doctor doctor lecture.


A few more DOCWA rally virgins in Swuellyn and Tarja arrived to sample the goings on and were no doubt suitably impressed, so much so that Swuellyn decided to stay the night despite having her precious Pantah spending a night alone at a servo in Toodyay and no camping gear to speak of. Good Work!


Sunday - bloody Sunday - arrived. Thanks again to the Bikes Unlimited crew for putting on the

Gymkana. Though still smarting from their 4 run loss in a recent Mogumber cricket match against the all conquering DOCWA, they again put on a great show. Check out their site for pics from the past.  ( and get some recent ones up Bandit et al J )


As for the rest of Sunday aargh, umm, my brain hurts, blur, blur, blur.…….Grunter (aka Tonka Tough) got busy with the Chamberlain in the arvo and gave all the fires a tidy up, in particular the bonfire in front of DOCWA  HQ. The speedway / bullring around the fire was also graded in readiness for more sidecar, speedway action on Sunday night. Special Note: Last outfit circulating Sunday night? You guessed it….Ed on the infamous 860GT. Go the Ducati’s!!!!


Now Sunday night is traditionally for those who have sufficient sap in them to stay hard all weekend and while not quite the blockbuster performance of Saturday night, a good number of rally goers stayed on and continued to soak up the ambience. Except Jack who sniveled off for a LLD. Harden the Fuck up!



Unfortunately the Dowerin time warp had captured many of us by Monday morning and a lot of the rallyists had left the site before the truck arrived to pick-up the rubbish. Most rally goers know the drill and fill their rubbish bags, and sometimes a few more to make the clean-up a fairly simple process. Slopster, Jack, Greg and Beatts were able to get most of it into the truck before the brakes buggered up and the truck stopped. As usual our benevolent benefactor Tonka Tough did the rest.  


Special thanks to all who helped “person the gate”; Tonka Tough for…….Spaz for dunny roll duty Sunday; Slops for assistance with ambo tent erection (but the less said about the erection he later had in the ambo’s tent the better); Monsta / Dee for signage; Rex and Rod for the fireworks to end all fireworks; Shaun at pack up time and Holger for advice. Many thanks also to those who “put in” prior to, during and after the event. All in all a phat time was had by all and sundry. Roll on NUMDUC  2009.  YEEHAA !!


Whilst on 2009 we will be celebrating 10 years of NUMDUC - ing, and DOCWA intend making it a special occasion and I urge all club members to consider what contribution they could make to putting on this important event. We have a well detailed blueprint for how the rally is staged, the timeline sets out when the phone calls need to be made and orders placed, press-ganging members into performing the tasks required on rally weekend virtually takes care of itself. In essence we need more volunteers to put their hand up and take on a task, and we all know by now what they are, to reduce the workload on key organizers … Please Consider.   


PS: anyone with pics of what was NUMDUC 2007 can you please forward to Jack for a compilation and see youse all at the TREE  PLANTING  27 - 29 July.



Beatts   ( Christopher Beatty )       &     Jack      ( Gary Whitcombe )


For   Ducati Of The Trees”  J